Birthday Sluts |
- Birthday Sluts
- Here’s The Mullet-Wearing Dude Who Had His 10-Inch Peen Enlarged
- Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
- Tori Spelling And The Deaner Got Another Fake Reality Show
- Afternoon Crumbs
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For July 2nd!
- Open Post: Hosted By A Kid Working It Out While Dancing To A Lady Gaga Song
- Nicki Minaj Would Like To Clarify The Shit She Said About Iggy Azalea
- Jewel And Her Real-Life Cowboy Husband Are Calling It Quits
- Robin Thicke Hasn’t Seen Paula Patton In Four Months
| Posted: 02 Jul 2014 11:00 PM PDT Andrea Barber (38) Pic: Instagram |
| Here’s The Mullet-Wearing Dude Who Had His 10-Inch Peen Enlarged Posted: 02 Jul 2014 12:32 PM PDT Billy-Tom O’Connor’s dick situation was already Hammaconda-sized, but he wanted a monster peenzilla that would make jaws break and vaginas close up just by looking at it, so he went to a plastic surgeon and asked for a salchicha that can be seen from Google Earth. I know, a man with a gloriously exquisite mullet, two first names and a dick that can poke your bladder out when he sticks the tip in? That shivering sensation you’re feeling down below isn’t from your sex parts shaking over the thought of taking on Billy-Tom’s crotch monster, it’s the feeling of being in love with this adonis. Billy Ray Cyrus’ Irish-Traveller cousin and his plastic surgeon were on the British talk show This Morning to talk about how he took his dick from a kielbasa to an entire Hillshire Farms factory. Billy-Tom’s plastic surgeon said that there’s two kinds of penoplasty surgeries. A dude can either make his dick longer or he can make it girthier. Since Billy-Tom’s peen is as naturally as long as a toddler’s (or Matthew McConaughey’s) arm, he went thicker. Billy-Tom’s plastic surgeon lipo’d out fat from other areas of his body and pumped it into his dick. Billy-Tom ended up with a loch ness monster of a peen that’s 10 inches long and 7 and a half inches wide. It’s as big as this can of hairspray. Billy-Tom’s got one of those multi-purpose dicks. So many uses! If somebody breaks in, just get Billy-Tom hard and then whack that thief in the head. If you and your friends want to play an impromptu game of baseball and you don’t have a bat, just use Billy-Tom’s dick. If a mongoose is in your kitchen and refuses to leave, just flash Billy-Tom’s dick at it, and that Rikki-Tikki-Tavi motherfucker will mistake it for a cobra on CGH (cobra growth hormones) and run away. Billy-Tom does a little porn, but that’s not the reason why he Super-Sized his dick. Billy-Tom did it for him. And he said that some ladies throw holy water at it and run to the nearest church, but most love it.
He went on to say, “Yeah, most of them died from death by impalement, but they loved it while they were on it!” And since British morning television is so much better than American morning television, This Morning showed a picture of Billy-Tom’s peen in a sleeping state before and after he plumped it up. Click here to get a serving of that. And yes, yes, I’d hit it, but it’d probably hit me first. Here’s Billy-Tom on This Morning. I hope this TV appearance leads to a producer setting up a Pay-Per-View wrestling match between The Hammaconda and Billy-Tom’s monster, because I need that in my life. via Metro UK |
| Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess Posted: 02 Jul 2014 10:02 AM PDT This B- list mostly movie actress said that she and her former A list mostly movie actor boyfriend who has been in the news a lot this week had a drug and booze filled orgy with a ton of people last weekend and feels they were both given some bad drugs. (CDAN)
We've talked before about how some celebrities plan out publicity stunts in the hopes of keeping you interested in their lives… and keeping themselves in the headlines. Well, here's a new one for you! This manager of multiple celebrities is talking to several of the girls they manage to see if they can get one of them to do some acting in real life. The manager wants one of the girls to publicly pretend that she is bisexual! Simply posing for paparazzi shots would look too obvious, so they would need to be sneakier about it. The girl would be matched up with another young female celebrity (actress, model, or celebrity offspring) to be secretly filmed/photographed intimately kissing each other. Depending on the age of the girls, there may also be partial nudity. The story line would include the girl coming of age and exploring her sexuality, her confusion over what she is and who she wants to date, and how her friends and family react to the events. So far, all of the candidates (who are heterosexual as far as we know) are balking. However, the manager has a long history of persuading clients to pull off all kinds of publicity stunts to keep them in the headlines, so we wouldn't be at all surprised if this one happens. BONUS CLUE: Not Ireland Baldwin. (Blind Gossip)
Which famous fool has been hocking products for years misleading consumers that they will get thin if they use them, however the real secret to her amazing body is laxatives and liposuction at least once a year. She has made millions off her products and if the truth was revealed it would destroy her career? (Naughty But Nice Rob)
This celebrity couple's divorce appears to be incredibly civil on the outside. They've made lots of statements about how much they still love and respect each other and how co-parenting their child/ren is their first priority, etc. Ha! Behind the scenes, it's ugly! They had an agreement about child sharing. She broke it. He told her that if she didn't start giving him more time with the kid/s, he was going to start spilling details about her behavior (promiscuity, gold-digging, lying) to the press. She told him that if he didn't back off that she was going to start spilling details about his behavior (affairs, substance abuse). Yes, they are the ones who are now leaking things to the press to try to make the other look like a bad person and a bad parent! Pretty people, ugly behavior (not to mention bad role models for the child/ren). (Blind Gossip)
This foreign born A list mostly movie actor has been in this space a few times in the past week. He holds himself out to be this happily married man, but for the second time in a week he was spotted with a woman who is not his wife. He should just get divorced because he is not being very shy about his infidelities and it is going to be ugly. (CDAN)
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| Tori Spelling And The Deaner Got Another Fake Reality Show Posted: 02 Jul 2014 08:48 AM PDT Well well well, what do we have here? If it isn’t The Deaner redefining raw sexuality YET AGAIN. Happy Belated Canada Day to me! Seeing The Deaner’s booze-bloated beer locker busting out of a pair of Carhart overalls makes me wanna put my hand over my heart and sing. Oh Canadaaaa….our home of beady-eyed traaaaash…. Tori Spelling, the poor little bleached camel with the heart of hardened silicone has decided to follow up her reality show about arguing with her loser bangaholic husband in therapy with a reality show about arguing with her loser bangaholic husband at a cottage. Damn Tori, SLOW DOWN! Bitch must think she’s filming the desperate fame whore version of The Amazing Race. Radar says Tori & Dean: Cabin Fever was filmed last summer up in Ontario and will air on the Great American Country channel. So if you really want to see 13 episodes of Admiral Ackbar screeching at The Deaner to quit jerking it in the boathouse and start painting the Muskoka chairs, then call up your local cable provider and ask them to suspend your service, because you need to check into an insane asylum and don’t know when you’ll be let out. Since the show takes place in Canada, the producers thought it would be fun to let The Deaner write the press release for it. BIG MISTAKE: “Hey jabronis, you missed me? Here’s what’s crappenin’ with the ol’ Deaner – I got a job! And like a job-job, not a blow job or a hand job or that thing the chicks in the Valley are doing called a knee job. The Deaner realized that if he wanted to keep scoring primo tail he needs to be on television, so I got the wife to piece together some old footage of me bumming around up north at the cottage and sell it as a reality show. But don’t worry, they edited out the part where I gave that chick from the marina crabs. The Deaner don’t wanna cock block The Deaner, you know what I mean??” |
| Posted: 02 Jul 2014 08:18 AM PDT Oh Posh Spice, always a British Vogue coverghoul, never an American Vogue coverghoul. And on this one, the dog is stealing the shine from her and that dog isn’t even trying - Lainey Gossip Rupert Everett cries about how he didn’t make it as a leading man, because he’s openly gay, but he really needs to be crying about what his plastic surgeon did to his face – Towleroad SPOILER ALERT: Citizens of Fantastica, this is what your Christmas card from Falkor is going to look like this year - Drunken Stepfather Portia de Rossi went to rehab for a month – Celebitchy The time that Quentin Tarantino wished he had the power to take over Hailey Baldwin’s body – The Superficial What the power of Ray J’s piss stream can do - Reality Tea So I guess Kendra Wilkinson’s wedding ring is still floating amongst the turds in the Calabasas sewer somewhere – WWTDD Two out of four Pretty Little Liar girls are in a bikini – Hollywood Tuna It’s times like these when I ask myself, why in the hell can’t my dog be Internet famous so I can whore him out for some Cheerios money? – Jezebel If Betty Boop got her hair relaxed and became a hipster – Popoholic Joe ManJello’s turtle shell abs and nips on People – Boy Culture Ridley Scott’s idea of Ancient Egypt: White people, lots and lots of white people – Pajiba This list of 16 Reasons To Love Tim Howard needs more tattooed nipples – Popsugar A still right out of Richard Simmons’ audition for American Horror Story – SOW In case you needed to be reminded that Chris Pratt used to be a big, old chubby teddy bear – The Berry When moody sunlight through soft curtains meet Thomas Jane’s ass - OMG Blog Hermione Granger is in trouble with La Migra – ICYDK |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For July 2nd! Posted: 02 Jul 2014 06:38 AM PDT Source: Ratchet Mess Returns (in case you didn’t figure that out) via Tosh.0 |
| Open Post: Hosted By A Kid Working It Out While Dancing To A Lady Gaga Song Posted: 02 Jul 2014 06:33 AM PDT Since Lady CaCa is off being a jazz singer and   |
| Nicki Minaj Would Like To Clarify The Shit She Said About Iggy Azalea Posted: 02 Jul 2014 06:08 AM PDT Nicki Minaj (born name: Onika Tanya Maraj) would like to take a minute or two out of your Wednesday to clarify the shade she indirectly threw at Iggy Azalea (born name: Amethyst Amelia Kelly) during her extra sloppy speech at the BET Awards on Sunday night. But before we get into that, I just need to say that Onika vs. Amethyst sounds like the GLOW wrestling match of my dreams. While accepting the award for Best Female Hip Hop Artist, the double-stuffed rapping pantyhose doll called out Iggy, without calling out Iggy by name, for being a fraudulent marionette with a fake ass who simply spits out the words that T.I. and other rappers wrote for her. But on Twitter (via Gawker) today, Nicki said that the media got it completely twisted around and she wasn’t trying to tear a ho down, she was giving a pep talk. Nicki gave another “We’ve Got To Do Better” sermon while subtly shading Iggy at the same time:
That’s a “Stop copying from that boy’s paper, Iggy” speech if I ever heard one. I never got this “feud.” You’d think that two Fraggle Rock refugees who both bought their asses from the same Goodyear franchise and who bought put on some weird accent when they rap would love each other and be the Thelma & Louise of hip hop. Maybe they feel like the world of bubblegum rap isn’t big enough for both of their 18-wheeler asses. But if Iggy really is getting her lyrics from T.I.’s cheat sheet, I wish she’d stop and write about what she knows. Because I, for one, would love to hear rap songs about Kath & Kim, bogans, Vegemite farts and Brynne Edelsten’s pussy game. |
| Jewel And Her Real-Life Cowboy Husband Are Calling It Quits Posted: 02 Jul 2014 05:28 AM PDT Maybe it’s all the BBQ maple leaves I ate yesterday, but that hat sort of looks like a friendly penis stingray. Former homeless Alaskan folk singer and current owner of some serious Magic Eye titties, Jewel, has confirmed in a blog post published Wednesday (TIL: Jewel has a blog) that after 16 years together, she and her professional bull riding husband Ty Murray are getting divorced. Damn, if a squinty snaggle-toothed yodeller and a sassy lil’ cowboy pixie can’t make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us??
I guess “tender undoing” is the country version of “conscious uncoupling”. As much as I want to believe that they’re calling it quits because Ty was caught getting a hand-job from a bull, I think it’s more likely the result of hooking up in 1998. Nothing good came out of 1998! That was the year that gave us both Furbys AND the Matthew Broderick Godzilla. Literally the only non-turd from 1998 was Rose McGowan at the VMAs, but everyone knows an ass that looks like two melons in a plastic grocery bag is never a sure sign that love is meant to last. |
| Robin Thicke Hasn’t Seen Paula Patton In Four Months Posted: 02 Jul 2014 05:03 AM PDT I know, it’s weird seeing Robin Thicke’s fingers when they’re not up his side piece’s cooze. After getting beautifully trolled by Twitter, Alan Thicke’s son took his ass to Ebro in the Morning on New York’s Hot97 (Side note: They should’ve temporarily changed the name to Ebola in the Morning when Robin Thicke was on) to push the creepy album of “get Paula back” songs that Paula Patton could use against him to get a restraining order if she wasn’t in on it since more publicity equals more cash. The Summer’s Eve lothario, who has aired all of his douche laundry in an album that’s predicted to flop, says that he’s trying to keep most of his break-up with Paula private, but then he said that he hasn’t seen her face in person for months.
I don’t think Robin is telling the whole truth. If the break-up isn’t one big, giant PR stunt orchestrated by the both of them and Paula really doesn’t want to be with him, then I bet he has seen her plenty of times in the past four months even though she hasn’t seen him. I’m sure Robin sneaks into her house in the middle of the night and after he watches her sleep and smells her breath, he jacks off into her panty drawer while silently weeping. I think he wrote a song about that. Speaking of songs, Robin says that Paula hasn’t heard all of them:
And Robin says that their marriage didn’t die because his wandering dick blew the lid off of their open marriage ways:
Yes, Robin is really showing that he’s shed his doucheness, because nothing says “unselfish” like putting out an album full of creepy stalker songs about your ex and then talking about your ex in interview after interview to sell as many copies of said creepy album as possible. Robin has totally changed! Robin is no longer a douche (but that vinegar and dead wildflowers odor that wafts up out of your twat every time you see his face tells you otherwise). And here’s the video for one of Robin’s creepy songs. Yes, Robin brought the children into it, but I’m just glad that he dressed them in outfits from the J. Crew bridal catalog instead of making them wear what the Blurred Lines chicks wore, or didn’t wear. At least he’s showing SOME restraint. via UsWeekly |
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